Animals love me (a little too much)

So, I’ve had several weird experiences with animals. (By the way, this is not that kind of post).

Its like they sense that I can’t keep them as pets (Outnumbered Dad is allergic to everything with fur) so they compensate by trying to run into me at the most inopportune times.

On a side note-Outnumbered Dad always had weird animals as pets growing up, because he has horrible allergies and asthma. His parents felt bad for him and they genuinely like animals. So he’s had:

  • an iguana (not exactly something you want to curl up on the bed with)
  • a hedgehog (WORST pet ever-it looked like a mini porcupine, it hated to be held AND it was nocturnal so it kept him up all night).
  • turtles (big-ass ones, not those cute little mini ones). These babies WALKED AROUND the house. I would be scared that they would attack in your sleep.

So anyways, the following situation is right up there with strangest animal encounters:

I’m driving in my van with the windows open. Its a beautiful early spring day. I live in Canada so we drive with the windows down even when its like a balmy -10. When it gets to be spring, everyone goes crazy because they’ve been in hibernation all winter. So I was pretty excited to feel that nice spring breeze on my face.

So, I’m waiting for a light on a really busy road (right above a highway), waiting to turn into a shopping mall. Let me just preface this by saying that this is in no way a rural area. This is what you would call a seriously URBAN environment. There is no vegetation in sight. No trees, no grass, no bushes on the side of the road, even. Pure concrete jungle.

So, as I’m enjoying breathing in the wonderfully fresh air of gas fumes from the highway below, something flies into my car. I don’t mean INTO the side of the car, I mean actually into the INSIDE of the car.

At first I think someone tossed a soda can or some other garbage into the car. That would be pretty disgusting but I mean, there are cars right next to me waiting for the light to turn. So I look down and I realize that whatever it is is MOVING. And not only moving, FLAPPING.

Here is my whole thought process:

  1. Holy shit, there’s a bat in the car.
  2. Wait a minute, it’s broad daylight. Bats don’t come out in the daytime.
  3. It must be a bird. It’s a vulture!

Needless to say, all hell broke loose. I think I put my arms over my head trying to protect myself. I don’t really remember because I probably blacked out from sheer panic.

In retrospect, it was actually a sparrow (or maybe it was someone’s pet bird that escaped, because what kind of wild bird would be that screwed up and confused?) that somehow found its way into my car. I opened the car door on the passenger side and frantically tried to wave it out the door. It finally flew out the other side.

After I managed to talk myself down, (and remember this took place in probably three minutes) I looked to the right of me and there’s this guy KILLING HIMSELF laughing in the next car over. It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye, asshole.





Leave a Reply