So, after a brief hiatus we are back, people! (if you have three kids or more, you tend to let things slide at certain times, and unfortunately this blog is one of them). I’m announcing our return to our HORDES of fans out there. I’m fairly certain the 7 people who currently follow our blog are ecstatic right now.
Outnumbered Dad and I just got back from a week of summer “vacation” (insert heavy sarcasm) with the kids. Anyone who has outnumbered status knows that after your vacation, you always need a vacation from the actual vacation. Luckily, there were large amounts of coffee and beer available to keep us going.
Anyways, for the past month or so, the baby is in that “dump everything out on the floor and then leave the scene of the crime” stage. So we have accepted the fact that every room looks like a total dump on a constant basis.
Each one of our kids has done some pretty major damage in this stage. When he was about two, boy #2 cracked a dozen eggs on the floor while claiming he was making a “cake.” Minus the bowl, apparently.
The baby followed in his footsteps by recently dumping a massive bag of sugar substitute on the kitchen floor. Don’t even ask why I had that in the house. It’s the Costco shopping mentality: you always find a reason to buy a mega-sized bag of something-even if you use, like 2 teaspoons a year of it. I’m not a fan of product placement, but I am mentioning the name in the hopes that the company will somehow get wind of this post. I honestly don’t care, because after what happened I think I deserve some sort of compensation (or fame).
Anyways, while making breakfast (barely conscious because as always its 6 AM or EARLIER) I turn around to see the baby, who has gotten into the kitchen pantry, dump this gigantic bag of Splenda on the floor. How she opened the bag I have no idea. I’m like a deer in headlights, transfixed by this giant mound of powdery stuff that is making a pyramid-like structure on the floor. It is starting to bear a resemblance to about ten pounds of cocaine.
I eventually make it out of my Splenda-induced stupor-I scoop up the baby, then figure out a plan.
- Plan A: Get out the vacuum and get all that stuff sucked up. BIG MISTAKE. The Splenda somehow erupts into an Agent Orange gas cloud and I start inhaling it.
- Plan B: Get out a wet paper towel and wipe it up. Bad idea jeans. A chemical reaction occurs and the entire floor turns into a sticky Ghostbuster’s-like glue.
Splenda, if you are listening, you should add this very specific question to the FAQ section on your website:
Question : What measures should I take if a 10 pound bag of Splenda is spilled on my floor by a baby who is a holy terror?
Answer: This is an emergency situation and requires professional help. DO NOT ATTEMPT this on your own.
Or, like me, you can always wake up Outnumbered Dad and tell him to deal with it. He’s a professional.